Full

I carve myself
hollow
I stop to check over
my shoulder
I sink to my knees
Defeated
I wedge out the last chunk
I'm empty
But you whisper
Serenity
And I'm captured by you
For now
And you build me back
Together
And you pave over cracks
In my chest
And you exhale
Life
And I don't know about
Tomorrow
But today I feel
Whole.

Well.

run, life, routine.
day in day out.
shit's getting old
and i'm getting older
you know where to find me
on purple thread staring not AT
but through the tube.
just a plate of glass
yet it keeps me entertained
for now.
i'm uncomfortably comfortable
get me the hell out of this town
but now i want to go home?
does it stop eventually?
not really there but going through the motions.
isolated because that bull regular
teenagers do is not workin' out.
maybe your thankful?
or maybe you're just tired of being alone.
spin spin sugar
cycle in cycle out
it's vicious, hey that's life here.

solid
green
grass
in the field her dress flows around her
warm
air
light
breeze
shifted sun warms heats her face and arms
shortened
breath
flowery
perfume
a sinking feeling sets in her stomach
ripped
dream
back in
reality
nothing good stays for long

wind whipped roaring through strands of hair
the tears that clouded her eyes made it near
impossible to see him across the tundra
artic wind dropping below the zero mark
had her tears frozen before they could make
their way down her cheeks
unattainable
a frigid version of a mirage
there's no way he could be out here
in the middle of nowhere with her
he had the face of pain she could feel in her bones
the same one that he held as she left him
alone in the airport
but she was sure her mind was playing tricks on her
no food, no water, no supplies
she was dying and she could tell
if her mouth chattered any louder she'd break all her teeth
she shouldn't have left him there, she should have stayed home
clawing her half gloved fingers over the snowy flat land
she resorted to the fetal postion
praying death would come quickly and less painfully.
she thought to herself, "I guess I do need him."
"I guess I can't make it by myself"
This was worse then any nightmare.
She had somehow strayed from the pack during a horrible storm
and now she had payed the ultimate price
Loneliness.
How she had craved this from the start
To leave so that she wouldn't have to open up to him
And now it was killing her
Her eyes drooped close. Her breathing became shallow.
She and herself was all she had left. Mistake.

Second Chances

I can't think of how to react anymore
One thing leads to another to another
Sometimes I feel as though I can't balance everything on my plate
I need this time off more then ever
My situation is crowded but lonely
Of course, thats how it always ends up
I just want to hide out in my room some days
Sometimes small things can set me off even if they don't mean a thing
Choking back what I feel as though I can voice
It'll only lead me to trouble and more weight put on my shoulders
Sometimes I have to wrap my arms around my shoulders
To keep from breaking into pieces
Diregard this, somtimes things just aren't so peachy

Thought

the freezing stops at my wrists
the tapping starts at my fingertips
and i am opened up to this place
in which i analyze my day to day
because even with all the flowery productions
it's not so bad
but sometimes I make it seem worse
where am I going?
my purpose?
I still need to finalize some things.

Alienated

A certain standard
Shards of glass
Reflected societies image
Rightfully your heads in it's place
Socially awkward
Why does it have to be like that?
Questions go unanswered
Can't change peoples opinions
Alienated
Shoved into a corner
Put on the highest shelf
Pushed inside the bottommost drawer
Reaching out is useless
Standing your ground
And they turn the other cheek
Big deal? Not really
Put yourself in my shoes.

Wanderer

Dark waters resurface new and old
And I am clamoring through these murkey currents
The waves lap at my chin and I'm not sure how long
I'll last swimming like this
I wander from place to place uncertain of my next home
But I am in tune with my destination even though it
seems impossible and far off.
I'm a lock with out a key thrown into a vast open ocean
because my importance lacked being anywhere else.
The moon is high setting over the sea and casting
lines of white that sift out like tentacles
They seem as though they go on forever in the horizon line
It's beautiful to look at with only hours of life sparing
When my legs and arms pronounce useless I spit
out a remaining breath and plunge into the black
I will not resurface for the pit is now my home.

Alone

the rain is coming down even harder now and
the sky is the darkest grey I've seen in a long time.
something about this though feels entirely right.
being the only human left sure does suck in these situations.
the rain plasters whats left dry of my hair, down the sides of my cheeks.
my peacoat isn't exactly water repellent but it will do for the time being.
my insomnia is starting to get to me, the fatigue makes me
drag my legs slower then normal.
if only i could stop for a minute, punch out someones window and steal
a few things.
despite the ever growing quilt of clouds I could tell dawn was coming soon.
i promised myself i would carry out this mission and i would excute correctly.
the city streets still smelled as though millions of people were still miling about.
although the rain was doing well to try and give it as much of an earthy smell as possible.
my shoes, with water seeping in the holes, were pert near completely destroyed.
there upholstery was not much for my long trek cross country.
the city I was in felt more homey then where i was before.
the southern california desert being so open and unfriendly with animals scared
me sometime even after spending so much time out there.
but here the gothic architecture swallowed me into a sort of sheild for my
worried air.
more hiding spots, I mused.
i turned the corner on what must have been a main street, to a smaller alley.
in the distance a cloaked figure seemed to move in front of an old house.
i pushed myself over a landing and down a staircase that must have been used
for putting out / picking up the daily trash.
settling myself downward against the cement wall, I figured I might have to sleep here
for fear of checking the coast and being spotted by the figure.
it was most likely not someone like me but someone hunting me.
the idea, although thought about millions of times, had me trembling ontop of my shivering.
I knew with my wet feet I would get sick. I was dehydrated but maybe the rainwater
collecting somewhere would be a positive subsitute.
I could only hope for the best now, I wondered how long this could possibly last.
Letting my eyes roll back into the darkest places of my skull I rested.
Maybe the rest could temporarily suffice my pain.
At this point with the world kind of nearly ended and whatnot, I could only wish.

Resurface?

and in a flash of silent light he was gone from my eyes
sinking down into the wet moss and mud
i choke out a woosh of air.
my head is spinning and my arms fall limp at my sides.
how could he devestate me in such a way more servere from anyone else?
i am so very vulnerable without him here, always.
a barely audible croak came from my throat
as my head falls back against a tree.
I must have sat there for hours watching the purple veins glow under my translucent skin.
Thinking all along how me and him would never once look at each
other in the eyes ever again.
My life versus his was of little importance to me now.
The search party came finally after quite some time.
My father and his friends carried me home out of the woods.
I couldn't speak and barely thought of anything else.
Looking in the mirror I was undoubtedly a sopping mess.
But he had left me more permanently disfigured on the inside.
Remembering his face ripped a gaping hole in my chest wide enough to put this town into.
I was praying to just blackout and have all thoughts, pains, worries - turned out like lights.
Cradling my forehead with one hand and
reaching to wrap my arm around my torso -
I contemplated my life with a love with which was stolen from me now.
He was what I had always wanted and so very much more.
I don't remember how I go there, but suddenly
I was face down, cheek pressed to the cold tile of the bathroom floor.
My pain constricted my lungs and I wondered if it would just crush them completely.
Hello world, my name is Kelsey and as of now I don't exist.

Sinking

stretching out along the surface
lying prostrate on the ground
hands tied behind my back
i'm seeking you out in near impossible conditions
it always turns to this even after the positive
the gut wrenching feeling begins as nausea sets in
flipping over to stare into the drafted darkness
it reminds me of being in bed
wrapped up in blankets
late night whispers through electrical currents
when you speak in that defeated tone
i'm transferred back to this place
there are no windows, no doors
gaping open towards the top - the only escape
but these ties won't break or tear
there isn't any give in the walls for me to climb
so the more you refer back to hopelessness
the deeper i'm sunk, and more tightly bound
even though it it seems irrelevant or almost untrue
the way i feel still burns there quietly.

Good Morning

the knobs turn
i step in being careful of the temperature
getting only my feet wet first
i find solace on the floor of the shower
leaning my head against the cool tile
and my knees tucked to my chest, I sit and listen
all my thoughts for today are displaced here and then pieced together
my eyes slowly raise towards the ceiling
watching the dim light in the bathroom cast shadows on the wall
it's early morning and my head is buzzing
while my body remains slightly numb still
my hair sticks and clings to my face
i trace patterns into the steam draping the walls.
my mind is most at peace here
sometimes i never want to leave
for fear of what might come if I do
freedom to let my mind wander, lack of criticism
and bad reaction.
the water sprayed washes away what's left of the previous day, bad or good.
my hands start to soften and prune and I know I should leave
I once again reach for the knobs
It's time to step back into reality.

i can't help but feel completely alone.
i try so hard and nothing in return.
so i'll take my punishment, here with my
fingers frozen - ready to fall off.
the silence is overwhelming and i've never
been more eager for unwanted confrontation.
i have officially developed extreme paranoia.
overreaction is common and i'm no stranger
to subconsciencely pissing everyone off.
i wish i could lock myself up on the inside so
that there wouldn't be anything to tear at.
echos of the water falling on the floor of the shower.
echos of conversations beneath my floor in my bed.
this is what i'll know for right now.
it could be back to normal by tomorrow, but one person
can never be certain.
happiness is consequently overrated.
i'm starting to think that these things are not worth fighting over,
and you might as well accept your defeat now.
even breathing is a chore.
this is not how i had previously planned things.

Becoming

gape a hole in yourself
as wide as the confines of this state
your rough around the edges
but you can see this light at the end of
the tunnel
reflected off the four walled boundries
of your room these continuous ideas
of being something bigger than yourself
the stars in the sky point to someone else
directly over your head
it's so completely far out of reach though
your walking in reverse back down that tunnel
to escape everything of which you've known
forever
the impossible is sometimes always the impossible
a quick glance around your brain
the memories resurface and the child, teenager,
and soon adult you'll become explodes like fireworks inside
this could be your one chance to make things
work and make yourself open up, indulge yourself,
strengthen yourself, and live to your potential
but potential is quiet for tonight as you slip beneath
a comforter you've had since you were a kid
let one more day pass by for comfort, everything is
settled in the future.

Icarus

they say the cold weather brings and end to things
the air is musky, and dry
and all around you, a chill of the once living
in remberance of this, i'd say the cold weather
brings about the best times of my life
my world is unlike anyone elses
and though my preception captured obscurely
i can show you it's full of promise
this cold weather is creeping nearer to what
i'm hoping to replenish
this time last year was mixed with desire, excitement,
and the hope for similar things to come into play
well i'm keeping a hold on these memories
hoping the snow fall will lay over greater land
and wishing for freindships to stay even, stay balanced
everyday is unexpected but let it not diminish
your character for it's what makes you as a person
how you comply with different situations
i'm falling, loving, hoping, and trying to live stress free
leading through a tunnel.

Wretch Like Her

He sat there looking at her
She absorbs the words into her pores
It's still really not registering in her brain
She suddenly couldn't stand the sight of him
He made her physically sick
Averting her eyes seemed like the quickest escape
As of now she doesn't exist


The roads were wet and slippery
The bottle of jack in the backseat was only half empty
She made sure to get rid of it as fast as possible
It didn't matter if she went right over the side
of the guardrail
"Who am I kidding?" She thought to herself
The rain was coming down heavier now
It didn't phase her, she was slightly out of it anyway
Remembering things she knew would never
Come back made her tear up a bit.


His pictures were still taped to her dashboard
She quickly ripped them off while trying to keep her hands on the wheel
She rolled down the window so she could let them
Drift away in the wind
The rain quickly splattered her left arm.


She is now trying to retrace back to the last previous nights
It's hard to think when her head is slightly light and fuzzy still
For him to be with her was almost a crime
What did that girl have that she didn't?
It was almost impossible to see now
The rain washed over the windsheild like buckets


She decided surprisingly with better judgement
To pull over and wait for the storm to rain out
She sat there for a few minutes sinking into her seat
She was asleep instantly, the first safe haven in months.

Open Closed

open arms
clear mind
think progressive think positive
these words
they're on repeat in your mind
do you give in?
insightful eyes
outstretched fingers
think proactive think simple
these words they sit in the back of your head
do you listen?
peaceful mouth
gaurded heart
think power think calm
the words creep into the front of your brain
do you remember?
arms tightly folded
head confused
remember hostile remember broken
they're still there in the back of your mind
you remember.
unresponsive eyes
clenched fingers
remember lying remember deceitfulness
those words are sitting in your head
you remember.
mouth drawn tight
heart shortage
remember getting screwed over remember hate
these words creep into the front of your brain
they replace.



















I'm iffy about this one ^^^

Anatomy

blood rushes to my fingers
and I feel it.
through my arteries, my lungs
I feel it.
I breathe you into my capillary veins
I feel you.
my toes and through my legs
I feel it.
emotion through my nervous system
I feel you.
goosebumps on my exoskeleton
I feel it.
my muscles weaken
I feel you.
my head wrapped around you? no.
But I can feel you there.








* note to reader, this was not written
as a refrence to something sexual.
Just out of pure inspiration of a medical
related conversation with Amy I had the other night.
k.THANKs

Permanant

refresh
open your mind
energy
open your heart
learn
obsatcles overcome
i need
to rewrite something
to get over the things
i've seen
radiate light
there is so much
i want to say
polish the surface
incapable human
loving those who can't
blocking imagination
there's nothing I can think
of anymore
robbed of creativity
open emotion
open feelings
open life
grass.flowers.clean
radiate
energy
refresh

Brighten

I don't have to change myself to fit your standards
I am my own person and nothing else.
a wholesome life is above all the one thing that keeps me going
independence is key and values are a breath of air
the things that are important to me shouldn't bother you
take in the things that threaten bettering yourself
what can you do to change it is a mystery
I believe in the stars aligning themselves for me
lay your head on the moss flourishing the evergreens
and sit back with this in view
a life celebrated is a life accomplished
keeping yourself in close relations to all who you love
will return you your favor and forever be instilled
in your heart.
your enemies will one day age this previous thought of you
and you will no longer need to hostility.
I believe that everything gets rougher but with a
better outlook on the horizon.
I don't know if everything I believe will come true
but theres no hurt in relaying these goals.

Under Effects

Propose an idea to fix things.
I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
Star the points we lack so that we can eventually
but probably never, make up later.
I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
Etch into our hearts our plans for the future,
how we got stuck here, how we fail at everything,
how no matter how hard we try and take the blame
we pin it on someone else.
I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
I'll exchange you money for a few words, dropping it
into my pocket I walk away. Because were all selfish.
I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
No one really wants to show us kindness, because
we have better things to do with our time.
I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
You leave me to fend for myself because you
don't need me anymore. But you claim you never did.
No, I can't remember the last time I've smiled.
Well, it's not important anymore - I hope you've had your
fun with me. I hope you've gotten all your laughs out
and realized that I was never a good choice as a friend.
No, I don't recall the last time I've smiled.

Northern Shoreline

I woke up and it was half past the designated time.
I open the shutting blinds of my one windowed bedroom.
I looked out over the sea to find him sitting there,
in the middle of the bay looking lost and frightened.
How did he get out there so far away from shore?
I still do not know.
I quickly went out and pulled him back in to the coastline.
We took off our shoes outside the house and sat on the place mats
along the floor.
I could see in his eyes he was thankful but curious.
Why would someone like I give him help after everything we've been through.
I gave him hot tea and a bit to eat but he was unhappy.
It occurred to me that this same scene did happen before.
I left the room quickly to retrieve a small dagger from the locking cabinet.
I told him that I was busy and he thanked me briefly and turned to walk out.
I stuck the knife in him as he grabbed a hold of the latch to leave.
He will no longer get lost out at sea.

Failure

bound by the emotions we feel
i feel strangled like i can't get away from a bad situation
i feel lost like i can't find my way home in a sea of problems
i feel tortured like it hurts to spend time with certain peers
i feel alone like i have no one to share my day with
i feel older like i'm growing apart from everything i held dear
i feel helpless like nothing i do will help the matter
i feel upset that nothing i do measures up to what goals i've set
i feel crazy about the fact that though people tell me everything is alright i still feel like i'm going out of my head
i feel dizzy like i won't find my feet on stable ground anytime soon
i feel naked like everything i love is being stripped away
i feel uneasy that my life won't get better anytime soon
i feel empty even though i don't know what's missing.




this is how i feel.

Temples Beating

there's nothing i can do at this point
but watch myself crash and burn
these days colder are supposed to
be getting warmer. you run out your
front door and feel that whoosh of wind
that makes your eyes tear and you remember
you're still alive. your voice croaks and you smell
the dry dullness of the air around you.
you walk down the street pass the evergreen trees
down by the creek you find solace in the
rushing water and hardness of the ground beneath you.
you stare up at the sky with clouds
making shapes around you and you wonder.
this day is still to daydream and guess about the future.
everything is so gray and beautiful.
all the leaves, flowers, and and other plant life is long gone.
you try and make your assumptions but your just so tired.



ehhh.

Proofread.

and will you ever love again?
it seems like right now is lost.
it seems like right now you could do without yourself
hold still this person you are
i know your quite better then what you've been behaving as
but you don't love anyone.
no not a single soul. there is nothing that you
could offer to anyone. filth, lies, they pour from
your mouth and cover me for what seems to be
eternity. i could never love someone like you in
return. there's no way were getting out of
this one alive but that's okay. not everyone's meant
for this kind of game we have in store.
there is a world outside of this town
there are people, strangers, you've never met.
there are new things to try and learn
don't take this for granted when you remember
what love is. respect the time you've been given.
let's not let it go to waste.

Overused Phrases

pour the champagne
don't worry about who you hurt tonight
he looks at you, you look at him
across the room you can hear each other's heart beat
you know that just for tonight you can let yourself go
should you? of course not. but that doesn't stop you right?
you remember the first time this had happened.
you went into the woods, he smelled spicy and dry.
your intentions had been fair. it was only a matter of time
before things started boiling down to nothing though.
it's time for a toast to bad memories and wounded relationships
he follows you into the elevator, you ask him were he's going
he says anywhere your going also.
you forget about those you've left behind at the party
they are really just fragments of a bigger picture
you rethink your decision but why should you?
it's not a big deal right? he follows you into your hotel
room. you intertwine, drunken, not really aware of
the scenery around you. this was a mistake you tell
yourself quickly. rushing out of the room he runs behind you.
your boyfriend comes off the elevator and sees you
two together. hair mussed, clothes half buttoned, makeup smeared.
you tell him you can explain everything if he would listen.
really can you? because explanations mean nothing at this point.

Absorb The Bitter Friend

End the feeling that gave you the most remorse
dug in to the left over embodiments that remained coarse
swallow the parts of you that you hold whole
finish off the scratched up marks on your soul
put the facts back in the proper order
calm the part of you that is full of disorder
wrench in a feeling of doubt and uncertainty
hold close the one that that was so familiar to me
smashing bones against the wall to remind us
that the world around us is still in flight
engrave the part of you that is in spite
infect those around you with love
they'll remember the good person who was once above
remind those who have completely forgotten you
and what they would do without you
be still that part of you that is filled with joy
recreate the charisma that was your best ploy


just remember. i loved the old you.

Story Book

close the door
open the window
collapse on your bed
rip out the paper
click the pen
write him a story
put on the new CD you got
walk outside
tumble in the grass
pick the opened flowers
go down to the creek
down by the water
dip your feet in
take pictures of the scenery
you know it'll dissapear when fall comes
watch the sky
wait till dawn
look out at the horizon
call him up
tell him to walk outside
tell him that every star
represents the amount of
love you have for him
he bikes over
you two lay on the roof
you reminisce about your day
you joke around
you get serious
he tells you how he'd be nothing without you
you tell him you love him more everyday
you share a moment in time
savor this.

Questioning, No Answers.

and may i ask this one question?
this one very simple question.
why would you throw away your life?
lies, breakage, a mouth full of non remembrance
on the streets i can see you gaping at what
your life could of possibly been.
even with your new group i can see
you lost, desperate for comfort from anyone.
i can see the way you turn things upsidown in
your mind to make it seem logical.
untie the ribbons with your hands plastered
to the gates, you aren't a saint.
not even close to a prophet. your worthless.
i tried to help you but you pushed me away
i knew what was best for you but you
acted like i was going out of my head.
there are so many things i wish i could tell
you but it's so pointless. like you'll really listen?
come on, let's be serious for once.


i called and i told them. that your time
is almost up. you follow your way to the
place that shines. it's easier said then done.
living is the hard part, don't make a mess
of yourself. this life only comes once in
a while don't loose yourself in a crowd
of non believers.

The Little Things

love, that's one way to describe it
when you feel it it's hard to get rid of it
it's hard to want any less.
it's hard to deal with all the other emotions
it causes frustration, happiness, fights, and peace
there's something about being with someone
who you would give your whole heart too.
someone that you would do anything for
love like this can be found anywhere at anytime
with anyone. love doesn't descriminate or deride.
love is a many splendid things.